This month's winner is Kent Hovind, for his commentary on the recent media release of ardipithecus ramidus.
Who is Kent Hovind?
Once upon a time, Kent Hovind traveled the nation giving talks about creation "science." Footage of his seminars are easily accessible on youtube, but basically what he would do is try to convince his audience that the bible is the literal account of Earth's history, and try to justify it with explanations that use sciency words like, "magnetic polarity," and "angular momentum." For a while, he ran Dinosaur Adventure Land, a theme park that credited the extinction of the dinosaurs to Noah's Flood. I use past tense in this description because he no longer does any of this. For the past few years, Kent Hovind has been serving a ten year sentence for tax fraud, and his theme park has been foreclosed. Kent's son has taken over the family business, Creation Science Evangelism, but Kent doesn't contribute much except the occasional letter from prison.
This month, a blog post was published in which Kent has an imaginary conversation with Ardi.
Who is Ardi?
Ardi is the nickname of Ardipithecus ramidus, an ape-like fossil that has been dug up in Ethiopia over the past fifteen years. In addition to all the most vital parts of a skeleton that archeologists look for in a fossil, scientists have also found many thousand other plant and animal fossils in the nearby area. Ardi is special because she predates Australopithecus afarensis (Lucy) by about a million years, making her one of the oldest hominids ever discovered.
Kent Hovind writes specifically about Ardi's appearance in Time Magazine. His critique takes the form of a dialogue with the fossil as if it were conscious, could talk, and could understand English.
KH: So who are you really?
AR: Well, as you can see, I’m less than four feet tall, have big toes that stick out to the side so I can grasp tree branches, have long fingers and have feet that make it possible, but difficult for me to walk on two legs.
KH: That sounds just like lots of ape-like creatures today.
AR: Of course it does, because that’s what I am. God designed me for climbing trees.
I have that edition of Time. What the article really says is that Ardi walked on two feet most if not all of the time (as opposed to walking on feet and knuckles), but that running was difficult over a long period of time. Ardi probably commonly climbed trees (figs are believed to be a staple of her diet), but spent her life on the ground. Ardi's features sound like ape-like creatures today because Ardi is an ape-like creature. You know what else is an ape-like creature? Humans.
KH: The October 12, 2009 Time magazine article says you are 'A Long-Lost Relative of Humans (p. 42).'
AR: That’s ridiculous! Humans have babies all the time and they are always human. Apes, monkeys and gorillas have babies all the time as well and they are always like their parents. Why would those authors want to believe I’m their great-great grandma?
It's amusing to see people declare that evolution means that your dad was a gorilla, or your grandma was a marmoset. If a monkey gave birth to a human, it wouldn't confirm evolution, because that has nothing to do with evolution. (Although, if you want to be taxonomically correct, humans are monkeys, so the above scenario happens all the time.)
The foundation of the theory of evolution is "descent with modification." You look slightly different from your parents, who look slightly different from their parents. You have physical traits that are slightly different from your parents. For example, my hair grows at a slightly faster rate than either of my parents. Over time, these differences build up. You are different from your parents, a little more different from your grandparents, a little more different from your great-grandparents, and if you insert two hundred thousand "greats" before grandparent, you'll find that the little differences add up to something ape-like. Creationists refuse to allow a realistic timescale into their perception of evolution because they can't admit that there have been more than ten thousand years since the beginning of the universe.
To continue the dialogue...
AR: Why would those authors want to believe I’m their great-great grandma?
KH: I think it’s because they like the freedom from morals that this silly belief brings. If humans are just higher apes, then there are no rules against adultery, lying, etc.
Evolution doesn't free you from the responsibilities of living in a society. There are rules against immoral behavior. We, as a society, make laws for the rules that we consider important enough, such as murder, abuse, some kinds of lies, etc. Kent Hovind should understand, better than most, the importance of following laws. Here's something to consider, if people who accept evolution do it just so they can live a life of sin, then why don't they? Why do so many people understand evolution as a fact of reality and still live perfectly moral and reasonable lives?
KH: The magazine articles say you are 4.4 million years old. Is this true?
AR: It’s not polite to ask a woman her age, but that is a real insult to say I’m that old. Not only is it an insult, it is w-a-a-a-y off! I died about 4,400 years ago. I was a teen just about to get married and start my own family.
Well, that settles it. No need to use radiometric dating, or bother any further with any research. Kent Hovind already knows that not only was Ardi just a normal ape, but that apes marry and are monogamous, when she died, and how. All he had to do was ask her. Why didn't anyone else think of that?
KH: How did you die?
AR: It was terrible! We had heard about this man named Noah building a big boat he called an ark because a flood was coming, but it had never rained, so most other humans thought he was crazy. The people God had made were so wicked! They didn’t care what God’s rules were. They did what they pleased. There was lots of violence, too.
When the ark was done, two of my cousins felt this strange urge to go get on the boat, so they did. Lots of animals went in there, and God shut the door. A few days later, we heard and felt the ground shake like the earth was ripping open! All the animals that were not on the boat began to panic and run around looking for a place to hide. It began to rain terribly hard and water came shooting up out of the ground. It was awful! About forty of us cousins all tried to run to safety, but there was just no place to go. We all drowned together. The last thing I remember is the water and mud getting deeper and deeper over our heads.
There you have it, God drowned Ardi because He didn't like the humans of the time. Not because Ardi did anything wrong, but because God felt it would be easier to start from a clean slate. Some divine morals, eh?
KH: Well, a lot of people spent a lot of time digging up your bones in Ethiopia and hundreds of people have spent thousands of hours studying them.
AR: Do they get paid for that?
KH: Oh, yes! Lots of money!
Lots of money? Maybe it takes a lot of funding to dig up fossils in Africa for fifteen years, but paleoanthropology and archeology aren't exactly pursuits of wealth.
Ardi goes on to ask to Kent to convince the world to stop wasting its money researching evolution. Kent promises that he'll do the best he can, but that he's stuck for the time being.
KH: Hey, Lord? You said that if I would delight myself in You that You would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). My desire is that my case be overturned and that I be sent home!
GOD: I’ve got everything under control, Son. Go walk a few laps. I’ve got your back.
The sign of the truly deluded. Even though God stood idly by while Kent was thrown in prison "doing the Lord's work," He's still got his back and is looking out for his best interests.
